self-love

just back frm a session with din. its great to see my fitness level return to where it was before my trip to sri lanka all those months ago. have been incorporating sprints into my jogs, apparently it helps not only to up the calories burnt but also to work the abs.

am reading a killer ass book called ' the Fat Girl's guide to life' by wendy shanker. despite the title it really could apply to all women. at its core is the message of self-acceptance, which seems so simplistic but as many of us know can be a lifelong struggle. it got me thinking...you know before i lost weight i would have found it hard to believe that i would be able to find any fault with my body if i were magically able to subtract about 25 kilos. but apparently such a thing is possible. which leaves me to question whether one can ever be truly satisfied with one's body. so many of us are busting our asses in the gym to attain that perfect body, when in actual fact does it even exist? after all isn't beauty supposed to be subjective? why then are we aiming for homogeniety as dictated by the media? and ultimately what we lose in this process is so much more valuable than what we could ever gain; our self-identity and self-worth...

so i'm 66.7kg and by no means is my body perfect. my belly and arms are not what magazines consider part of the 'perfect body'. but you know what, who's to say that even if i lose another 10 kilos i'd ever be rid of these, for it seems i'm genetically pre-disposed to store my fat in these areas. and even if i do one day manage to get rid of these two 'flaws', wouldn't it be funny if i end up picking on something else. i remember a line from the movie 'cool runnings' where a olympian bob-sledder asks his coach (a former gold-medalist who had to forfeit his medals when it was discovered he cheated) why he resorted to cheating when he had already garnered the respect of all in the field...the coach's answer is " if you aren't enough without it [the medal], you'll never be enough with it." if you don't feel like you are worth something to begin with, then no matter how much weight you lose, plastic surgeries you have, accolades you receive you'll never feel worthy. most of us are at our most confident in our youth and then as the years go by life happens and chips away at this confidence. i am no different. in my teens i felt i could be or do anything i set my heart to. i was an orrator, debater and active on stage. and then in the years that followed i started comparing myself to those around me, and it seemed i always came up short; i was less attractive, less intelligent, less articulate. basically less impressive. and the more i thought these things the more power they had over me...and i became powerless. so i ate, because food didn't judge. at my heaviest i was repulsed with the person looking back in the mirror. where once my speech was once my greatest asset, i developed a stutter (another genetic predisposition) so bad that complete sentences became a challenge.

this year has been such a gift because i've had to confront all these issues. sure i haven't completely resolved many of them but i have no doubt when it comes to my self-worth. and you know what... i can do anything i set my mind to. the only person standing in my way is myself. i'm not gonna keep putting down my body. i respect its strength and its time i started to show it. if this is the best its ever gonna look, then i've gotta say its hella good. did i have to lose weight to be able to love myself? of course not. i know of many friends who are more generously proportioned, and yet are the epitomy of confidence. i'm sure i could have not set a foot into the gym and have dealth with my issues. but i'm not gonna fool myself either into thinking that everything would be fine and dandy if i hadn't lost weight. i was eating myself into an early grave. a lot of us focus on weight-loss as the ultimate goal when exercising, and as a result stop completely if they don't see the numbers they were expecting on the scale. in actuality shouldn't being healthy be the motivation to excercise? you may never lose a pound (almost impossible if your doing it correcly) but the edorphins alone are enough to make the effort worthwhile. not to mention discovering that your body is stronger than you would have ever believed. that is the gift, any drop in dress size merely a bonus.

and you know what...i won't judge. sure i've become this fitness-obssessed freak, but you know that's the way i choose to live from now on. your body is a temple and you can worship in it however you want. fat or thin, tall or short we were all blessed with the gift of life and owe it to ourselves to live in the best way possible. be true to yourself, cos in the end it is the only truth that matters.