trying to stay on course
its been a tough week, diet and exercise-wise. did quite a bit of comfort eating, including some sinful desserts not to mention several slices of cheesy pizza as well as pasta. also found it hard going to drag myself to exercise (finally went for a run last night), and this was even tho i wasn't fasting, mind you. when i have one of these weeks, a part of me is scared shitless that i'm gonna revert back to my old couch-potato lifestyle. because i'm all too familiar with the pattern of self-sabotage followed by feelings of self-loathing. pretty soon u've eaten ur way back to where u were, and then some.
i want to break free of this vicious cycle once and for all. lest you think this means self-deprivation, think again. in the last seven months i've been all bout moderation and have been more than willing to indulge in the occassional cake, chocolate or deep fried buffolo wing. but the thing bout the past week is that it wasn't bout all the junk i was eating, it was the motivation behind the eating. i was eating to make myself feel better, instead of dealing with the jist of the matter.i refuse to use food as a crutch ever again. so this is gonna have to stop.
having read another diet blog, what about ur hips?, it dawned on me that the uneasy feeling i've been experiencing these coupla weeks is fear...fear of where this life-changing journey is gonna take me. lets face it, most of us are comfortable with what we know. that's why we order the same things frm menus, stick to one hairstyle most of our lives and stay in an unhealthy realtionship longer than we ought to. i've been fat pretty much all my life. its what i know, an integral part of who i am. and now before my eyes the planes of my body are changing. the boobs i've known are no longer. the love handles have pretty much gone. only my tummy remains, tho it too is a shadow of its former self. i don't recognise the person i'm becoming, i don't know if i know how to be the person i'm becoming. thin, that is. and this has me reaching for the cheesecake....but no longer.
the depression i experienced when i was at my heaviest seems like a mere distant memory. one that i'm gonna have to get re-acquainted with, in order to move forward. i used to observe life from the sidelines. used to dread meeting ppl i hadn't met in a while, having my photo taken. worst of all was the self-loathing and the feeling of not being good enough. now i'm a much more happier person. i can honestly say that i love myself, belly and all. i have a profound respect for my body and all that its capable of. do i really want to go back to the way i was? i think not. so i'm going to have to remind myself how miserable i used to be, when the newness of my body is getting a little overwhelming. and deal with the fear head on. any new experience can be frightening, but change can enrich your life so, especially if what ur leaving behind was self-defeating. i can't hide behind the fat anymore. i want to be the best me i can be and to manifest all the blessing God has bestowed upon me. i think its about time.
i want to break free of this vicious cycle once and for all. lest you think this means self-deprivation, think again. in the last seven months i've been all bout moderation and have been more than willing to indulge in the occassional cake, chocolate or deep fried buffolo wing. but the thing bout the past week is that it wasn't bout all the junk i was eating, it was the motivation behind the eating. i was eating to make myself feel better, instead of dealing with the jist of the matter.i refuse to use food as a crutch ever again. so this is gonna have to stop.
having read another diet blog, what about ur hips?, it dawned on me that the uneasy feeling i've been experiencing these coupla weeks is fear...fear of where this life-changing journey is gonna take me. lets face it, most of us are comfortable with what we know. that's why we order the same things frm menus, stick to one hairstyle most of our lives and stay in an unhealthy realtionship longer than we ought to. i've been fat pretty much all my life. its what i know, an integral part of who i am. and now before my eyes the planes of my body are changing. the boobs i've known are no longer. the love handles have pretty much gone. only my tummy remains, tho it too is a shadow of its former self. i don't recognise the person i'm becoming, i don't know if i know how to be the person i'm becoming. thin, that is. and this has me reaching for the cheesecake....but no longer.
the depression i experienced when i was at my heaviest seems like a mere distant memory. one that i'm gonna have to get re-acquainted with, in order to move forward. i used to observe life from the sidelines. used to dread meeting ppl i hadn't met in a while, having my photo taken. worst of all was the self-loathing and the feeling of not being good enough. now i'm a much more happier person. i can honestly say that i love myself, belly and all. i have a profound respect for my body and all that its capable of. do i really want to go back to the way i was? i think not. so i'm going to have to remind myself how miserable i used to be, when the newness of my body is getting a little overwhelming. and deal with the fear head on. any new experience can be frightening, but change can enrich your life so, especially if what ur leaving behind was self-defeating. i can't hide behind the fat anymore. i want to be the best me i can be and to manifest all the blessing God has bestowed upon me. i think its about time.
posted by liza @ 10/21/2006 02:06:00 PM
2 Comments:
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
Amanda's post is fantastic, and it does document how we all are freaked out by the changes that we go through when we go on a weight loss journey. I'm in the same boat as you - I've been big pretty much all of my life and when you see the fat disappearing, you can't help but panic that part of you is disappearing with it.
Its so great to see that you're deciding "No! I won't hide behind the fat anymore!" Good on ya! Don't let the fat keep you in this vicious cycle, break free.
Good luck to you hon, I'll be back to check on how you're going :-D
At 2:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello Liza, I just stumbled across your blog and I love it! Thankyou so much for the add in your links.. what an honour. I am glad my post about fear also helped you to decide that you are going to face your fears head on and not reach for cheescake or anything else. You really do have to remind yourself how you felt when you were at your heaviest... I do this alot because I know I never want to go back to that place. With a little help, support and some hard work we will all get there in the end. Can't wait to read about your journey and give you as much support as I can. Greetings from Holland! Amanda Jane :)
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