stricking a pose

is it any wonder she gets away with ruining the furniture?!

out and about

today's my rest day, and being father's day, my family went to visit my dad's gravesite. it still feels abit sureal. i remember last father's day, my dad had been diagnosed with cancer and had almost finished his chemo and radiation. he was so positive that he was gonna get better.like my mum says...man proposes, but god disposes. most days i try to not think about my dad, because the pain is choking, and all consuming. hopefully down the road i'll be able to (as cliche as it sounds) celebrate his life, but at the moment its tough to get beyond how much i miss him and the void that his passing has left in the family...

later in the day we met up with one of my cousins for a meal, which included dessert...a sundae for my mum and a peach tart for me. haven't had one one those in ages. kind of reminded me of the time my bud az and i used to mug for the A's with a student's meal for sustanence.sigh. those were such simple times. had to skip a second snack to allow myself the tart, but it was worth it :)

overate and feel like crap

today started off pretty well. am down to 78.5kg, which means i've lost close to (0.3kg away) a total of 12kg so far. started my workout with a 15min run before i had my last kickfit session with ilham, afterwhich i really felt like just collapsing. but i didn't. instead i decided to try out the new rollerbading machine. gosh was it tough, even more so than the stairmaster i think. after ten minutes i was really huffing and puffing and my legs felt as if they were made of lead. i finally called it a day. from next week onwards i'm back to doing two cardio sessions on my own and i think i'll try to work my way up to a 40 min session on the rollerblader.

was feeling the post-workout high and more than a little rumbling in the tummy. decided to head to subway to get myself a tuna sandwich, extra veggie , mustard instead of mayo and no cheese of course. was feeling kinda full after the first half of the sandwich but i just kept eating and before i knew it i had eaten the whole thing. i didn't gobble it down or anything, i chewed and all, but i still felt quite uncomfortable afterward. and ever since i have been feeling pretty low for having had the last coupla bites or so, cos i know now that i was already stuffed.am upset to find out that my inner glutton still lurks, despite my best efforts to banish her for good.

but there are some positives i can draw from this experience:

• i ordered a relatively healthy sandwiched, and stayed away from the much-loved cheese
• i didn't order the meal, even though the cookies are divine
• even though i felt bad afterwards, i didn't try to make myself feel better with a piece of chocolate cake, as i would've done in the past
• i tried to balance the over-indulgent lunch, by having only one snack instead of the usual two
• i didn't let a cheat meal turn into a cheat day

i learnt today that satisfaction and hunger often don't go hand in hand. i was full after half the sandwich but i wasn't entirely satisfied, so i kept eating. only i never became satisfied, just uncomfortably full. maybe the next time i'll stop after eating half the sandwich and then have a bit of a cookie. maybe that'll do it. one thing's for sure tough i'm still a foodie, probably always will be. i've gotta learn to pay more attention to the signals my stomach sends me and push away(figuratively speaking) from the table.

random cuteness

i have two of the most adorable cats, who seem to be always mid-pose. my camera's full of their pictures and i thought i'd post just a couple. the first one is princess and the second (who seems to have picked up some of my stretching exercises) is duchess. they're just precious and have helped my mum get thru the lost of me dad.

a great monday

had an excellent workout session today.did some new exercises and increased the weight on the old ones. the 1.5kg i put on during my cousin's visit has finally come off. so all in all am feeling pretty psyched.
my mum has decided to go to sri lanka for my dad's 1yr death anniversary. she says that i should leave early and spend aug in sl, learning how to drive. lessons are very cheap, something like $100 for twelve lessons while here each lesson costs $60. i probably won't have enough time to get my license, but i plan to become comfortable behind the wheel so that i'll need fewer lessons in singapore.
the thought of spending more than a month in sl has me worried because i don't know if i can maintain my diet and exercise routine. i forsee the exercise part being harder than the food, because din's not going to be there to make sure i go to the gym when i'm supposed to. i'm afraid that i'll slip back to my old habits.i guess the trip will be my first real test to see whether i can keep myself motivated without din, afterall i can't rely on him forever.
din says he will come up with easy exercises 'll be able to do while i'm away, so i don't have to worry about adjusting unfamiliar gym equipment.he has also set me a target of 70kg before i leave...so that's about 1-1.5kg a week.he says that the weight should start falling off quicker now that he's upped the intensity of our sessions. i'm gonna give it my all these next few weeks...so watch this space!

my workout and eating plan

if you were to observe the way i lived a year ago and compared it to how i live now, you would probably find it hard to believe that the person you were observing was one and the same. i've completely re-vamped my diet, and more than that i've been trying to change my relationship with food; when one i saw food as an emotional experience, now it is merely something to fuel my body... and if u fuel your body with crap, well then it should be no surprise that the end result is less than satisfactory.

the key change though has got to be the added exercise. i used to be very sedentry. i felt lethargic all the time and shopping used to be my only form of exercise. but now i see my personal trainer din, three times a week for an hour long weight training and ab-work session each. after my session with din, i usually do a 15-20 min cardio session either on the stationary bike, satirmaster or treadmill. din has really helped me because he keeps me motivated by setting me mini goals, in terms of weight, each week. he also pushes me when that added push is necessary. basically he's da man (and as a former winning bodybuider, he has an insane body!)

here we are after one of our sessions, with me looking (and feeling) like a drowned rat.

i also do cardio sessions on my own twice a week. for the moment i've taken up kick boxing to replace one of the abovementioned cardio sessions. that's my rather dapper kickfit trainer ilham, who has been very patient with my rythmically challenged self.usually on the day that i do cardio myself, i either bike or run on the treadmill for half an hour. i find the stairmaster too challenging for such a long cadio session, for the time being at least. so basically i work out 5 days a week, but surprisingly feel a lot more energized. my mother has also mentioned that i'm a lot less grumpy when i've been to the gym.

as for my food i try to limit myself to 1 200 calories a day, that's 300 for the three main meals and then two 150 cal snacks. here's an example of a days meals:

b'fast:

2 slices brown bread

2 teaspons of cottage cheese (basically curdled milk. funky looking but extremely low fat. see below)

2 teaspoons low fat tuna spread

1fruit/ a glass of skim milk

lunch:

1 small bowl rice

1 bowl veg

4 oz(palmsize) meat, chicken or fish

dinner:

grilled meat/chicken with salad/boiled veg/ soup

snacks:

granola bar/low-fat fruit youghurt/ 15 raw almonds/ 1 piece dark chocolate/ diet coke

basically i try not to eat too much at night and don't have any carbs for dinner. i made myself a grilled chicken(marinated with lotsa indian spices) and mixed it into a salad, for a surprisingly satisfying dinner.i've come to realize that its ok to be a little hungry, especially at night. it's singapore after all. i'll eat again in the morning.

chicken salad with balsamic vinegar

cottage cheese:

cool runnings

didn't have a kickboxing session, cos it turns out that ilham, the trainer is at reservis.so i decided to use the time to do a cardio session. i ran for 30min on the treadmill. okay 'ran' may not appropriate.more like a really slow jog. i covered a distance of 4km!am happy especially because there were really trying moments but i didn't stop to walk. overall its been a great day, i feel fit and strong and i wore a fabulous dress which i bought from the U.S but was busting out of before... and most important of all i'm dowm to 78.8kg!

happy 20th to my baby brother!

went out for dinner to celebrate my brother's birthday, with my mum and cousin. whilst i would have usually taken the opportunity to stuff my face with food, especially dessert, i ate sensibly- a small steak without sause and some boiled cauliflower and carrots. i also had what's gotta be the smallest slice of fruit pie ever and a coupla small glasses of red wine. i know i probably should've skipped the last two but i'll work extra hard in my kickboxing class tommorow. the last picture is full length shot of me i just had to squeeze in ;)

the 70s-virgin territory

well not really but its been such a long time, it was begining to seem like a distant memory. weighed myself today and i'm down to 79.2kg, down 11kg! 14 more to go. took two extra days off this week as my blood pressure was low on thurs and was feeling a wee bit dizzy. din, my trainer, says that my body's trying to adjust to the new vigorous routine i'm putting it through. my cousin's in town for a coupla weeks. was kinda dissapointed cos he didn't comment on the weght loss,(i hate that i'm so needy.have to work on that) he just said i have a long way more to go! that's my family for you, a most encouraging bunch. i can see what he means though. i do look slightly slimmer but having lost 11kg( i'm gonna say it as many times as i can:) ) but i thought that at this point there would be a more dramatic visual effect as weel. but there i go again focussing on the superficial. this is a journey towards health and well-being, more so than a size 10 pair of jeans. three months ago i was morbidly obese and extremely depressed. now i feel strong, am truly happy and can run 1.4km in under 10 minutes! after yesterday's workout i met up with my best bud azira and we went to the esplanade to catch the philharmonics orchestra. the music was not really to my taste but the company more than made up for it and the food (japanese) was fabulous! love the pretty (and dirt cheap) top i'm rocking. one of the plusses of working out has been having the confidence to wear colour and not just boring black.

progress pictures

thought i'd add some pictures. there isn't that much of a difference but i think my face is a bit slimmer.

before:

after:

my progress thus far

firstly as is probably obvious, this blogging business is new to me.so bear with me as i learn the many intricasies of uploading pictures and things like that. i intend for this to be a weight loss blog, with occasional rantings about my life, or rather the lack thereof.

i'm 22 years old and have been fat for as long as i can remember.i've eaten my way to over 90 kilos, in order to deal with stress, success, loss of loved ones (you get the idea) but hardly ever because i was truly hungry. at the age of 19, right before i entered university started my first meal-replcement diet. i was 82kg before the diet and was down to about 74kg in just a few months. but i was miserable and really, really hungry. when i started uni i couldn't adhere to the strict diet and gained a few kilos. meanwhile i also switched between similar diets but basically hovered around the high 70s. then my mum fell ill and my world around me seemed to be crumbling. i had to be strong for my dad, brother and my mom's sis who were all pretty out of it. food was my only comfort.

then my mum got better, but i started giving tuition in my final year of uni and had no proper time to have my meals. as a result i would eat anything that was convenient-chips, fast food, chocolate- anything i could just stuff in my mouth on my way to and from my students' houses.and things got really bad when my dad was diagnosed with cancer early last year and then passed away last september.a daddy's girl, i could not cope with the initial fear and then the grief. once again food was my friend.

two months after my dad's death i had to go to the US for a few weeks in order to complete my degree.i had a great time with all my friends, drank copious amounts of alcohol, ate lotsa beef( i was in oklahoma), and genrally pigged out on american portion sizes.but that was also where theturning point occured. i had a brief wellness module where i realized just how unfit i was. i was disgusted with myself but even more so because all my friends seemed so happy and healthy. then i realized that i was doing this to myself. i was CHOOSING to be fat, to lead a lifestyle that was ultimately self-destructive.

when i returned to singapore i had exams for two months, and although i didn't get off my arse and start moving, i did start improving my diet.in march i joined a gym and hired a personal trianer.i was so shcked to find out i weighed 90.2kg. in the first two weeks i lost 2kg. then my aunty, my dad's sis, passed away of a heart attack. she had been blind due to severe diabetes for about two years.i went to be with her family in mauritius for two weeks. i was my aunty's favourite niece and it was often commented just how similar we were. we both are voracious readers and have a sweet tooth. my aunt was just 54 when she died. all i could think about was how that could be me in a few years.

i came back and have been religously working out as well being careful with my diet. its been three months and i weigh 79.9kg. so i've lost 10.3kg and i'm so proud of myself because it hasn't been easy, especially experiencing my first plateau, but i've stuck to it. it makes me feel so empowered because i know i control my own destiny.

i do have quite a bit more weight to lose. i think my ideal weight is something like 55kg but i'm setting myself a goal of 65kg, so that's another 15kg. i'm going to get there, i will get there, slowly but surely.

the hardest thing has been remebering that this is not about getting into a pair of skinny jeans, or about what the scale says, but rather about improving my health. so when i'm frustrated that the process is not occuring faster i remind myself of where i was, how i felt then and then compare it with how much better i feel now. i refuse to let diabetes, or high blood pressure control my life. i ain't going down like that. i'm gonna fight. cos life is great dammit, and i'm gonna enjoy it to the fullest.

my first post

all my life i've been battling the scales, and for the longest time the scales seemed to be winning. but having recently loss my father to cancer and watched my aunty go blind due to diabetes, and pass away later of a heart attack, i began taking stock of my own state of health- or rather the lack of thereof. this is my journey of reclaiming my health, life and waist.