milestone

had a session with din today. was very tired though so did only ten minutes on the bike afterwards. had two pieces of birthday cake in school an hour before and man was i uncomfortable throughout training. i haven't had so much cream in the longest time.

today my weight was 66.2kg which means that i'm down exactly 24 kilos since i first started. the number is indeed staggering and i have to pinch myself to make sure it's really happened. but since about 10 kilos ago, seeing the figures on the scale go down is not the driving force keeping me doing what i'm doing. i'm looking forward to doing an in-body test to see if my body-fat percentage has budged at all since last month...it was 35% last month and hopefully its moved closer to the healthy 25-31%.

i got waxed after the session at the gym. i got back only at 10.30 but its worth it to feel just how smooth my legs are. cheap thrill i know. in totally unrelated news, my brother just spent 208 bucks on a pair of shoes frm aldo. 208 freaking dollars ok! for what u ask?? his friend's sister is getting married. i guess under-the-void-deck affairs have got fancier. its hard for me comprehend such extravagance cos of late i've become kinda cheap, as is required when one has to get by on a childcare teacher's salary. speaking of which, pay day is almost here...i've been making a mental list of the things i need, and top of the list is pants. only the levis i got recently fit decently now. the others i've gotta hike up every other minute, prolly making me look like i'm experiencing spasms. hehe. jb anyone?

of cpr and arranged marriages

its official. i'm now first-aid trained. the two-day course was supposed to be frm 8-6 on sat and sun, but it ended at 3 instead. not that i'm complaining tho cos it left me with a pretty decent portion of the weekend for myself. there was no practical test cos the assessment was done during our trial sessions in class. and the 25 mcq test was a joke la...no talking or discussion, but i can't control where your eyes look ...the instructor's exact words. a lady had just had both her cataracts removed and was worried bout the font of the test being too small...the instructor's solution??sit closer to your friend and ask her to write bigger.

so i finally spoke to the principal bout needing to leave for sri lanka in jan. she asked me if it was possible for me to stay till end of jan cos apparently there's a liscencing officer who'll be making his rounds in jan. i said sure. i know i'm such a doormat, but she's like really nice la and i have no heart to leave her in the lurch. which brings me to the next point...my mother's ecstatic that i'm gonna have to delay my trip cos guess who'll be in town in jan?? the guy frm england and his family la! aiyo. i think i prolly will have to do a 'sharm' and run away frm home... :)

oh! the kids are having a graduation concert this sat! the teacher's have gotta get all dressed up. i've gotta squeeze in a waxing appointment into my already packed days. but it promisses to be a fun day...i'll post pics. gotta run...school starts in a bit.

self-love

just back frm a session with din. its great to see my fitness level return to where it was before my trip to sri lanka all those months ago. have been incorporating sprints into my jogs, apparently it helps not only to up the calories burnt but also to work the abs.

am reading a killer ass book called ' the Fat Girl's guide to life' by wendy shanker. despite the title it really could apply to all women. at its core is the message of self-acceptance, which seems so simplistic but as many of us know can be a lifelong struggle. it got me thinking...you know before i lost weight i would have found it hard to believe that i would be able to find any fault with my body if i were magically able to subtract about 25 kilos. but apparently such a thing is possible. which leaves me to question whether one can ever be truly satisfied with one's body. so many of us are busting our asses in the gym to attain that perfect body, when in actual fact does it even exist? after all isn't beauty supposed to be subjective? why then are we aiming for homogeniety as dictated by the media? and ultimately what we lose in this process is so much more valuable than what we could ever gain; our self-identity and self-worth...

so i'm 66.7kg and by no means is my body perfect. my belly and arms are not what magazines consider part of the 'perfect body'. but you know what, who's to say that even if i lose another 10 kilos i'd ever be rid of these, for it seems i'm genetically pre-disposed to store my fat in these areas. and even if i do one day manage to get rid of these two 'flaws', wouldn't it be funny if i end up picking on something else. i remember a line from the movie 'cool runnings' where a olympian bob-sledder asks his coach (a former gold-medalist who had to forfeit his medals when it was discovered he cheated) why he resorted to cheating when he had already garnered the respect of all in the field...the coach's answer is " if you aren't enough without it [the medal], you'll never be enough with it." if you don't feel like you are worth something to begin with, then no matter how much weight you lose, plastic surgeries you have, accolades you receive you'll never feel worthy. most of us are at our most confident in our youth and then as the years go by life happens and chips away at this confidence. i am no different. in my teens i felt i could be or do anything i set my heart to. i was an orrator, debater and active on stage. and then in the years that followed i started comparing myself to those around me, and it seemed i always came up short; i was less attractive, less intelligent, less articulate. basically less impressive. and the more i thought these things the more power they had over me...and i became powerless. so i ate, because food didn't judge. at my heaviest i was repulsed with the person looking back in the mirror. where once my speech was once my greatest asset, i developed a stutter (another genetic predisposition) so bad that complete sentences became a challenge.

this year has been such a gift because i've had to confront all these issues. sure i haven't completely resolved many of them but i have no doubt when it comes to my self-worth. and you know what... i can do anything i set my mind to. the only person standing in my way is myself. i'm not gonna keep putting down my body. i respect its strength and its time i started to show it. if this is the best its ever gonna look, then i've gotta say its hella good. did i have to lose weight to be able to love myself? of course not. i know of many friends who are more generously proportioned, and yet are the epitomy of confidence. i'm sure i could have not set a foot into the gym and have dealth with my issues. but i'm not gonna fool myself either into thinking that everything would be fine and dandy if i hadn't lost weight. i was eating myself into an early grave. a lot of us focus on weight-loss as the ultimate goal when exercising, and as a result stop completely if they don't see the numbers they were expecting on the scale. in actuality shouldn't being healthy be the motivation to excercise? you may never lose a pound (almost impossible if your doing it correcly) but the edorphins alone are enough to make the effort worthwhile. not to mention discovering that your body is stronger than you would have ever believed. that is the gift, any drop in dress size merely a bonus.

and you know what...i won't judge. sure i've become this fitness-obssessed freak, but you know that's the way i choose to live from now on. your body is a temple and you can worship in it however you want. fat or thin, tall or short we were all blessed with the gift of life and owe it to ourselves to live in the best way possible. be true to yourself, cos in the end it is the only truth that matters.

spot the difference

was just looking thru some old photos and here are a couple before n after shots...

jan'06

Oct '06

happy feet

woke up at 5.30 this morning and went for a jog. nothing like exercise first thing in the morning to set up your day! i didn't get to the gym yesterday cos i was dead on my feet by the time i knocked off at 6.30.the brownies were a hit at schl, both with the kids and the teachers. so much so that i did more baking for today- some carrot cake, a batch of white choc chip cookies and double choc chip muffins. in case ur going 'woah!', none of the above were made frm scratch. i just didn't have time to go get the ingredients for that.betty crocker rocks i tell ya...

excuse me, ms betty crocker?

my brother n students have been asking me to bake another batch of brownies for the longest time. yesterday finally got round to it. they turned out well, and so i have to get them out of the house, out of reach, as soon as possible. am taking most of em to school, leaving just 4 pieces for my mum and bro (he already had some fresh frm the oven).

work has been more hectic than usual, thus my sparce blogging these coupla weeks. been working 10 hr days, but with the older kids. they've finished their exams, so they pretty much play the whole day. so i spend my time reading. hehe. mindig the older kids has its perks too. one of the kids is allergic to dairy products (even chocolate) and eggs. poor bugger. i can't imagine not being able to ever eat ice cream, cake or chocolate.

the job's even taking over my weekends! this sat n sun i'm to attend a first aid course frm 8am-6pm. aiyo. so won't be able to train with din on sun. will go to the gym today after schl for cardio, then work out with din tomorrow and on fri. that's the best i can do i think. maybe i'll do another cardio session on my own on sun, after the course. if i'm not in need of first aid myself by then that is...

half asleep

i just had a 10hr work day. gosh that's almost twice as long as i've slept for most days of the week. needless to say things are a little fuzzy at the moment. i've been working some crazy hrs lately because the other teachers are clearing what's left of their leave, but hey i won't complain cos the extra hours means more dough to spend in sri lanka.

i've also been trying to go to the gym. made it only twice this week, and plan to go on sunday as well. trying to get in the minimum three sessions.the knee has been sore so am taking things a bit easy. did 20 min on the bike followed by another 20 min walking at increasing inclines on the treadmill. no running for a while till the knee gets a bit better, which translates to not being pain-free but to where i can walk n work out wothout too much discomfort. my MRI scan is sheduled for next yr, which is like ages away. i sometimes feel like getting it checked privately, but i know of someone who paid over 400 bucks for an injury to one of her shoulder ligaments, and since i aint got no sugar daddy that is definitely not an option. so public healthcare'll have to suffice. maybe i'll be able to get the scan done while in sri lanka.hmmm. a definite possibility.

food has been so so. a few pigging out moments. had a half bowl of udon, a piece of murtabak and some kueh for dinner today. oink. am actually thinking maybe a few controlled cheat meals may help me break the current plateau i seem to be in. i know it worked the last two times.

spent some time with nadz, azz and sharm yesterday. it was like old times. haven't laughed so hard in the longest time. nothing beats the company of good friends, unless of course it includes great dessert. and the banana crumble served with caramelized bananas, custard and ice cream was near orgasmic, so it was top notch.

tomorrow is saturday but i've got work in the morning. arrgh. talk abt depressing. hope ur weekend beats mine...

mellow monday

had a session with din at 8 in the morning yesterday! can't believe i was even able to drag myself out of bed at such an ungodly hour. but its actually great to workout early cos there's hardly anyone at the gym and also it leaves almost the entire day free to do as u please.

i came right home tho, cos surprise surprise i bought a new korean drama series (my lovely sam soon) which i was almost done with. i actually feel really sorry for korean men. they perpetually seem to get beaten up by the women in their lives.

its been a realtively good day. worked from 11 to 7. just 5 of the toddlers in my class came to school today, courtesy of a chickenpox outbreak. was going thru a box of old clothes just now and was pleasantly surprised when i could fit into a baju kurung (a traditional malay kit) which i last wore when i was twelve! and with plenty of room to spare. the only indicator that i wore it all those years ago are the sleeves, which are now much too short...who knew arms could grow so much :)

i've been stressing bout my belly of late. it seems rather on the large size in comparisson with everything else. but u know i've decided to cut myself some slack. its frustrating that tho i slog hard in the gym some parts just refuse to budge. but the fact that i'm in the gym or running outside is in itself a great accomplishment. if it takes longer to get rid of my belly and my arms then that's ok. it is but a mere inconvenience. i'm sure i'll complain about them again, but for now i'm satisfied with where i am- happy, healthy and whole.

of carbs n such

i hadn't exercised since last friday and i was begining to get downright annoying. ended at 1 so i headed to the gym. walked at increasing inclines for 30 min and then jogged for 30 min. spent most of the latter 30 min at 8.4 and 10 min at 9.4! woohoo. tis the coffee i tell ya.
that's abt it for now. have a session with din tomorrow. the weekend is almost upon us! so near yet so far...wanna send lotsa postive energy to azzz who's got a crazy workload (an understatement i'm sure) . chiayo babe!

oh! i forgot the main point of my post till i re-read the title. i've been off my no-carbs-at-night diet. went off it during fasting n then never got back on. i guess it makes me feel more 'normal' like i'm not obsessed i guess. like i'm following the middle path and not the extremist end of things. my weight hasn't been affected negatively n its not like i've beem overdoing it. i eat early and am mindful of portion sizes. i can't say if i'll ever get back on it cos i don't see it as something i can keep up for the rest of my life. and no that's not a cop out...

recovering equilibrium

so very tired. met up with the girls over the weekend as well as did some hari raya visiting. korean drama overload. funny, i never thought it'd be my kinda thing but what can i say..the lead actor is rather hunky ;) i watched all 24 episodes (that's 24 hrs!) in 1.5 days. and have the eye-bags to show for it.

anyway gotta head off to school in a bit so here are pics of the night out with the girls (and the one guy) at a turkish restraunt. the food was good! we were stuffed so we shared a chocolate pudding. mainly we laughed ourselves silly. also a pic of with my other sri lankan friends at the hari raya get together. hoping to go for a run today. if the weather permits. will post in more detail soon....