hum drum

its tues, but i'm already dead on my feet. mostly because i've been reading late into the night. nothin heavy, just light-hearted romance, but still man i have a thing bout finishing the entire book at a reading. and i have eye bags to show for it. i was supposed to go for a jog yesterday but was too exhausted after work so i squeezed it in this morning before going to work. was supposed to see din early tomorrow morning but alas he can't make it, so it looks like i might only see him on fri and sun this week. tomorrow i'm gonna get my knee checked out (finally!). hopefully nothing much is the matter. am hoping for the best.as weeks go its been pretty non-eventful. hopefully it'll stay that way till the weekend at least. lookin forward to friday to meet up with an old friend frm school whom i haven't seen in 6yrs! and saturday its dim sum dollies with the girls! yay. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

say cheese

i thought it was about time i post a few photos of 'my kids'. aren't they adorable?? it was photo-taking day at school and we were getting them to practice their smiles. not all of them were feeling up to it tho. hehe

i've just been to the gym. ran on the threadmill. varied my speed frm 7.5-10. but most of the time was at 8.1.am very happy cos its the fastest i've been able to run for 30 min straight. covered 4.5km and more importantly 2.4 in 13 odd minutes! i've always used the 2.4km run as a benchmark for my level of fitness. in secondary 4 i had to run it 5 times because i kept failing. things didn't get any better in junior college for i failed both years. the passing time in yr 2 was 16min. i missed by 30 sec! i can't tell u just how much i used to dread having to run in school. isn't it weird how drastically we can change? i felt so much better (i have been rather cranky these past two days) after the run. so alive, for lack of better word. i love running. its a challenge, where i am my only competition. hopefully my knee turns out ok (my appointointment with the specialist is on wed), cos i wanna take part in national running events, with my ultimate goal being half of the standard chartered marathon next yr; i.e. 20+km. i've thought about this a great deal and i think finally talking bout it here will help keep me accountable and help me walk the walk, so to speak. at this point i'm a little overwhelmed by the distance involved but i'm determined to see if i'm capable pushing my body that far. after all i'd never thought i'd be one to run 5 km and i've done it before quite comfortably in bout 40 min.

now for the not so good news...i've gained 0.7kg from 2 days ago! mostly because i've been baking and been having too many of these... (very poor quality picture to follow)

brownies! props to grace for the awesome (and oh so easy) recipe. i'm not too bothered bout this latest development tho cos i know where that weight came frm and what i have to get rid of it.

oh! i had a really strong cup of coffee an hour before my workout and i swear it made all the difference. din says that coffee before a workout helps to increase the metabolic rate, upping the calories burnt. what i noticed was that my energy level was much higher throughout the workout and i felt much less fatigued afterwards. what can i say, these trainers know their stuff.

a day of discovery

went to the gym yesterday after month. and had a session with my trainer din. the last time i saw din was before my sri lanka trip in august, so its been two months. i have to confess that although i have been running i have been neglecting the weight training bit of the equation. haven't been doing any push-ups or crunches for the longest time. and it definitely showed yesterday. we did some arm and ab work and i was wimpering and whining through it all. before i could do 20 reps for most exercises and yesterday i maxed out at 15 or even 10. really pathetic. oh well. slowly but surely i guess. i thought i'b be really sore today, but its not too bad.

after a month of weighing myself at home i now have 'official' figures. the weight's 67.3kg. also did a body composition test. muscle mass is down by 2%, which is not too bad considering i've not done any weight training in a long time. body fat is down 2% from august to 35%. healthy range for women is 25-31%, so just another 4% baby! am quite surprised by the body fat figures because if anything, i had expected it to have gone up slightly.

after the session with din i did 30 min on the threadmill. jogged some 4.25 km. i know its damn slow but hey i've gotta start somewhere right? but it felt great to be all sweaty and outta breath. my knee has been holding up relatively well after the runs (touch wood!), but i do wear a knee guard and also ice it immediately after getting home. its weird though how it seems to hurt after a long day at work or after a day of shopping.

afterwards i went on a bit of a window shopping expedition. one of the places i went to was this fashion, because i wanted to get some pretty skirts and dresses and also some basic cardigans. it was hard to keep from getting depressed because most of the dresses were available only in a size s and m. the m sizes were too small in the bust and the arms. damn. but i had to remind myself that i used to only be able to fit into their xxxxl stuff (isn't it funny how they seem to have skipped the middle part in their sizing), so being just a bit too big for their m is- in a weird way- progress.

oh! i also discovered something very interesting which i have to share. was chatting with one of my bro's body-builder friends on msn last night and was asking him how to get rid of my belly. he said that sometimes stress and even exercise can cause a build up the hormone estrogen. if ur wondering why that sounds familiar, its a hormone known to regulate many female funtions, but it also stores fat. so he said i probably have an excess of estrogen, causing it to be difficult to shed the last few kilos. apparently green tea helps to lower estrogen levels, which will then make shedding the last bit of stubborn fat easier. i finally have reason to be glad that my mum lugged back so much of the stuff frm sri lanka...

getting into the festive spirit

i can't believe its hari raya already! where did the entire month go?? i'm grating some nutmeg as i type (for a traditional sri lankan pudding). last year during this time the house was full of relatives frm all over the globe who had flown over for my dad's funeral. this year its just us and almost everything seems to be a reminder of dad. to think that two years ago my dad was doing his usual delegating of pre-hari raya chores. life certainly is unpredictable, to say the least.

i'm usually in charge of packing the kueh, or baked sweets, into decorative containers. usually i end up eating something like one in five i pack (quality control u understand). so far i've eaten around five today, which is not too bad considering i've packed some six containers. also couldn't resist sampling my mum's dhaalcha , a lentil and mutton curry. she makes it thick with lots of spices.absolutely delicious. did u know that dhaal is actually a wholegrain? not to mention an excellent source of protein? and my mum uses lean mutton, so its not so bad on the diet.

oprah, aka the weight loss guru, has often stressed how important it is to curb late night eating. my trainer kinda said the same thing. but recently i read in a health magazine that apparently it doesn't matter so much what time u stop eating by,as long you don't exceed ur daily calorie limit. i wish these fitness experts would make up their minds already, so i can decide whether or not to have something more substantial than a green apple the next time the late night hunger pangs strike.

i can't believe tomorrow's the last day of holidays and i've gotta go to work the next day! arrgh. oh well at least it'll be a three day week.

wishing all my muslim brothers and sisters a joyous eid mubarak...

trying to stay on course

its been a tough week, diet and exercise-wise. did quite a bit of comfort eating, including some sinful desserts not to mention several slices of cheesy pizza as well as pasta. also found it hard going to drag myself to exercise (finally went for a run last night), and this was even tho i wasn't fasting, mind you. when i have one of these weeks, a part of me is scared shitless that i'm gonna revert back to my old couch-potato lifestyle. because i'm all too familiar with the pattern of self-sabotage followed by feelings of self-loathing. pretty soon u've eaten ur way back to where u were, and then some.

i want to break free of this vicious cycle once and for all. lest you think this means self-deprivation, think again. in the last seven months i've been all bout moderation and have been more than willing to indulge in the occassional cake, chocolate or deep fried buffolo wing. but the thing bout the past week is that it wasn't bout all the junk i was eating, it was the motivation behind the eating. i was eating to make myself feel better, instead of dealing with the jist of the matter.i refuse to use food as a crutch ever again. so this is gonna have to stop.

having read another diet blog, what about ur hips?, it dawned on me that the uneasy feeling i've been experiencing these coupla weeks is fear...fear of where this life-changing journey is gonna take me. lets face it, most of us are comfortable with what we know. that's why we order the same things frm menus, stick to one hairstyle most of our lives and stay in an unhealthy realtionship longer than we ought to. i've been fat pretty much all my life. its what i know, an integral part of who i am. and now before my eyes the planes of my body are changing. the boobs i've known are no longer. the love handles have pretty much gone. only my tummy remains, tho it too is a shadow of its former self. i don't recognise the person i'm becoming, i don't know if i know how to be the person i'm becoming. thin, that is. and this has me reaching for the cheesecake....but no longer.

the depression i experienced when i was at my heaviest seems like a mere distant memory. one that i'm gonna have to get re-acquainted with, in order to move forward. i used to observe life from the sidelines. used to dread meeting ppl i hadn't met in a while, having my photo taken. worst of all was the self-loathing and the feeling of not being good enough. now i'm a much more happier person. i can honestly say that i love myself, belly and all. i have a profound respect for my body and all that its capable of. do i really want to go back to the way i was? i think not. so i'm going to have to remind myself how miserable i used to be, when the newness of my body is getting a little overwhelming. and deal with the fear head on. any new experience can be frightening, but change can enrich your life so, especially if what ur leaving behind was self-defeating. i can't hide behind the fat anymore. i want to be the best me i can be and to manifest all the blessing God has bestowed upon me. i think its about time.

show n tell

i did promise to show u guys the stuff i got from jb, so here they are...

i still can't get over the fact that the swimsuit cost a mere 7 dollars. it does amazing things for the boobs. and actually makes the tummy look negligible. i now have something i can wear with confidence when i go to sri lanka again.

the weekend was pretty tiring with graduation. it was great meeting up with all my classmates. i've missed all of them. haven't done any exercise since last friday. sigh. i think i've gone back up to 67kg. clothes are feeling better tho. even stuff that i'd stored in the 'thin' cupboard are loose. wore the new jeans to work yesterday. they fit great, especially in the crotch. since i've been wearing mostly pants that are too big for me, its a relief to no longer have a lot of bunching in that area, which actually made me quite self-conscious especially when i had short t-shirts on.

on the downside all the shopping cum self-grooming i've done this month means i'm pretty much broke and can't spend much till i get paid again. which is in 2 weeks. i may actually be liking work, the kids are adorable and the teacher i work with is really nice. she's 23 are we're pretty much on the same wavelength. oh i wore a skirt to work today, just because i wanted to put maximum use to the waxed legs.

another neighbour mentioned my weight-loss today. she asked how many kg i'd loss. upon telling her about 25, she exclaimed 'wah, u must've spent a lot of money.' i said kinda cos i had to join a gym. she was surprised that that's all i'd done. probably thought i'd gone to one of the many slimming centres. whatever. i've actually got plenty to say on the issue but have gotta be off for tuition...and i'm doing overtime tomorrow.not that i'm complaining cos more hours=more money :)

graduation part 2

with the dean of mass communications, oklahoma city university

tassles are endless sources of amusement

*gasp* butter! not to worry, mark's on it...

all glad to (finally) partake in the buffet

graduation

moi all robed up

the family

mummy dearest

the bestest of pals- nanabanana :)

progress pics

its been some time since i posted some progress pics...so here goes.


Before (Jan '06) :





Now (Sep '06):

splurge fest

did indeed go to jb today and (finally) got waxed. the lady who did it was so friendly (which is important cos it distracts from the oh-so-hot wax being applied to oh-so-delicate areas) and quick. but the more exciting part of the day came later when i did a spot of shopping at city square mall. bought a pair of levis! not exactly the pair i've been eyeing but pretty cool too. and guess what? they're a size 31 baby!ok so they're a wee bit low cut where a large part of my belly is kinda hanging out, but the lady at the store said they expand with use and then i'll be able to hike em up a little higher then. i'm wearing em as we speak, to help this along somewhat. i now get what the big hoo ha bout levis is. it like magically sucks u in in places u have to be sucked it, whilst moulding to every other part, and almost instantly u've lost like 10 ponds. but i was surprised to discover that in singapore the largest size for women is 30. i mean like hellooo, 30 is so itty-bitty. at least it seems that way to me. it seems so unfair to keep this magic denim frm the ppl who would benefit it the most!so yay for malaysia who go up to 32 (only for two designs tho.

i also bought a ballerina-inspired pair of flats in a silvery gray. also got some stuff for my mum and bro, as well as some yummy cakes . all in all blew like 250 bucks, which is like 1/2 of what i earned last month. oh! and i also got this really cool swimsuit for just 7 dollars!

returned home and rested for a few hours before heading to the salon near home to wash n blow my hair in prep for tomorrow's convocation ceremony (its blowed straight-ish). get this, the ceremony's not till 1 but we've gotta be there at 10 for rehearsals n stuff. talk bout being kiasu. i was thinking bout wearing my tommy mary-janes but i'll probably have to keep my teeth clenced thru most of the ceremony to keep from whimpering, so i think i'll go with these pointy kitten heels i've got. i'm so over the pionty thingy tho. oh well. all in the name of comfort i guess.

TOM dropped by for a visit yesterday, so i'm not fasting. thank god for panadol cos its keeping the cramps in-check. in a weird sorta way i relish the cramps cos its reaffirmation of me being fully functional, which i haven't been in a while, what with the excess weight causing my hormones to go bonkers n all.

my mother has been fussing quite a bit bout my eating. its so amusing for her to think i'm in danger of being anorexic. i know for a fact that i'm never gonna go down that path, cos a) i happen to like my food to much and b) i like working out and i need the food to keep me going. but i do admit that sometimes of late i have been too exhausted to eat much.

i'll post the photos of tomorrow's ceremony as well as maybe some of today's purchases. for the moment my eyelids seem to be losing their battle with gravity. i'm out, quite literally.

midweek madness (well not really)

went for that jog i've been planning earlier this evening. my brother came along. we jogged along this deserted road behind our house. the weather was great...slightly breezy and no sign of the the haze. i ran 7 'laps' along the road and walked 2. was slightly uncomfortable throughout tho cos the pasta i had eaten an hour an a half ago was sitting rather heavily in my stomach. i didn't feel as tired as i usually do afterwards so i think its shorter than i'm used to. or maybe having my brother there made it less tedious.

my mother is concerned that i'm not eating enough. but she's probably making comparisons with the amount of food that i'd usually consume during fasting. but to appease her i had half a veg sandwhich when i returned frm the run.

another thing i've noticed is that during this fasting period my weight varies quite noticeably throughout the day. weighed myself at 4ish this evening and the scale read 65kg. i couldn't really believe it, so i tried again after breaking fast and the scale read 66.5kg. the weightloss has been quite dramatic these few weeks tho i haven't been working out particularly hard. i hope i'm not losing too much muscle.

sunday's my grad ceremony. haven't quite decided what to wear yet but it has to be a white top and black bottoms.i know what ur thinkng, how boring right? have to go hunting in the back of my wardobe again. might go to jb on sat depending on how tired i feel.i'm so glad the weekend is almost here...

photos!

my japanese cousin's daughter. she is so adorable or kawaii as they would say. this was after a day trip to the science centre and shopping at duty free and mustafa.and before heading for the night safari.

farewell dinner at a japanese joint at paragon. my brother's in the back in a pink shirt, in case u missed him.

and the most important part, the food. this was what i ordered.not including the green tea ice cream that came afterward. i was fasting. left behind most of the udon tho and shared the chicken with the others.the ice cream tho i ate alone :)

what can i say.... isn't that the most gorgeous nine yr old?? her father'll have to invest in a sturdy bat to keep the boys away when she gets older.

technical difficulties

blogger is being a little screwed up lately. have been having trouble putting up photos, and the tagboard seems to be playing up.i've been busy with some guests frm japan, who left yesterday. slept well yesterday after quite a while and am feeling relatively normal. haven't gone for a run since friday. will go tomorrow. did go to jb, but got hair cut instead of getting waxed as initially planned, so the skirts will have to wait a bit. just downloaded the grey's anatomy episode 'losing my religion'. nail-bitingly good entertainment that. met up with the girls over the weekend to break-fast. lotsa laughs (and turkish food) were had. must do it again soon.
for now the call of my bed is just too tempting to go on...photos to come hopefully tomorrow

TGIF!

the last post really got me moving off my behind. went for a run, yes run the very night and then later again today. wore the trusted knee guard and iced the knee as soon as i got home. hasn't been giving me any more trouble than usual. but oh the exiliration. the sheer joy of being able to do more than just brisk walk. the only things that've been sore were my thigh muscles! i could hardly walk yesterday. another thing to note; its not such a good idea to wear one's knee guard soon after applying deep heat . the burning sensation- and i mean burning- can be quite distracting.

slept like 3 hours last night, mostly because i'd been reading. payed dearly for it today (why do we never listen to our mummys?). but then today's friday, so i've got plenty of time to catch up on some zzzzs. think i'll go to jb tomorrow to get waxed. depending on what time i get up of course.

some other good news besides the pending weekend... i've been transferred to the infant class, until they find a permanent teacher.yay! the infants are tres cute and they don't talk back(or at all to be fair). the prospect of going back to work on monday is looking much better already.

have a great weekend everyone!

battling past demons

the days are passing by with monotonous uniformity it seems. i've been feeling like a slob these few days. the lack of exercise is beginning to take its toll. i miss those endorphins. most evenings my only form of physical activity are my prayers and then my arse is pretty much parked in front of either the telly or the pc till my eyelids refuse to stay open. i've tried to squeeze in the occasional walk to the supermarket, but there's a limit to how much groceries u need when u're only having 2 meals a day. but in my mind i know that that's just an excuse. i can just walk for the sake of walking and not because i happen to have an errand to run. i fear i've run into an old friend; laziness.but i refuse to fall into old patterns of behaviour. starting today i'm gonna go round my housing estate for a walk (interestingly i just read in a fitness magazine that a mere 30 min walk a day can keep numerous diseases at bay). it'll give me a chance to enjoy some new songs i've downloaded onto my i-pod.

ironically enough my left knee has been hurting more than i would've expected given that i haven't been to the gym in over a week. the only possibile explanation is that i'm on my feet a lot during work and usually carrying a toddler. also i was shocked, ok maybe mildly surprised, when i weighed myself today. it read 68kg . i don't know how i could've lost weight. my friend cum cheerleader grace did draw my attention (some time ago) to the fact that i could be losing muscle, and scarily enough, gaining fat.but since i can do little bout it at the moment i'll just worry bout that when its time for din to do the next body composition test. and the figure may not be too reliable cos i usually use the gym's scale readings. but to keep things in perpective, eight months ago i was 90.2 kg...so to be anywhere near the 60s is FREAKING amazing. i feel weirdly disconnected with the way i look externally tho. its hard to believe i'm possibly a size 12. that can't be me. and yet having to, to a great deal of embarrassment, constantly pull up my pants...that's exactly where i seem to be.

the toughest part of this journey has been dealing with the issues behind the weight. a lot of which had to do with my dad. but a lot of it was also a lack of self-love and confidence. i thought that food was my only friend, for it didn't judge. but i know now that that was far from true. i have realized in the past few months what true friendship is. and i figure i must be pretty special to have such awesome people in my life. i no longer need food as a crutch. i want to embrace life and to give it all that i have to offer. i think its apt to end today's rather emo post with a poem by mr mandela, courtesy of sumz...


OUR GREATEST FEAR

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light,not our darkness,that frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome,talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some;
it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson RolthlahlaMandela
1994
Inaugural Speech

grand passion

got inspired by one of mai's entries. i've got a major thing for shoes. they're my one undoing, besides dessert that is. when i was in the states i had a field day and came back with like 9 pairs. most of which i never wear. not because i no longer like them, but i haven't had the occasion. i need to get me a coorporate job, cos i've already got the shoes. some days, when i'm feeling particularly down, i just stare at my collection and get a pleasant tingly feeling inside :) i need help i know. here are a few of my favourites....

my tommy hilfiger 6-inch mary janes. wore these for graduation ceromony in the states. dead sexy but forget bout feeling anything from ur ankles down after the first hour.

these are a pair of steve maddens and were love at first sight.

my humble payless (a budget shoe outlet in the us) wedges. am absolutely crazy bout these and they've probably been worn the most cos they're surprisingly comfortable.

these were from charles and keith. u can't see but they're really high. utterly impractical but aren't they pweety?

and of course the staple in any collection, the trusty sneaker.to protect the ankles after all those heels.

(continued)

so today was childrens' day. the kids had loadsa fun, but i'm nearly comatose. gotta go rest. but here are the pics i was meaning to upload with my previous entry...

marshmellow with real banana pulp coated with swiss chocolate. yummm

the bro and moi

sleeping in

i can't believe sunday is almost over already. where did the weekend go? spent yesterday morning at a workshop on resume writing and most of the day at good 'ol mustafa. had to buy childrens' day prezzies for the kids. was absolutely beat at the end of the day. slept in until like noon today. feel almost human.

mum made casserole for break-fast with lots and lotsa cheese. can't be too good calorically speaking. but tried to balance out the food karma by having salad and fresh fruit as well. i haven't been eating much during this Ramadan. i'm glad i no longer feel bloated and uncomfortable after break-fast like previous years.i bought this really yummy chocolate covered marshmellows. its like a regular chocolate bar but when u bite into it u get into the marshmellow bit that's made of real banana pulp. and at a mere 80 calories, its a great treat. i'd post a pic but the bro borrowed the digi cam.tomorrow perhaps.

oh mum was spring cleaning when she came across the weight and measurement chart my dad had drawn up to progress our weightloss on herbalife. before i started on herbalife (right after jc bout 3 yrs ago) i weighed 79kg and my waist was 37 inches. when i stopped i was down to 76kg and 36 inches.that was the lightest i've ever been before this. at least after puberty that is. as of five minutes ago i weigh 69 and my waist is 34 inches. another two more off the latter and i can buy my first pair of levis here (bought a pair in the states but they were of the plus-size variety). woohoo. i saw this super cute pair on this lady on the bus, and it had heart shaped pockets. i'm gonna get those i think.but i wanna be at a fairly stable size before i invest so much money on any one article of clothing. thinking of going to malaysia to get my hair done and do some modest shopping. mostly because my convocation ceromony is on the 15th. and because i'm getting kinda sick of the only two pants that fit me (tried wearing some bigger pants with a belt but realised i look a damn fool). hopefully will also be able to get waxed.

my bro asked me to write down my diet for him cos he wants to lose weight before going to the army. i told him i'm not on any diet in particular, i'm just mindful of my calories. and thats the part that everyone seems to have a hard time with. i suppose they expect a more rigid set of guidelines. but the thing is that's not do-able for the rest of your life. its simple really; calories in should be less or equal to calories out. not rocket science. and yet people often hope for a short-cut, a trick. well nothing worth attaining was ever easy. we are all stronger than we'll ever know. permanent weight-loss stems from a change in lifestyle which- lets not kid ourselves- is a real bitch to do. but the pay-offs are worth every minute of anguish, both on and off the treadmill. i can't say for sure i'll stick with it permanently this time round, but i think the fear of reverting back to my old habits is gonna keep me vigilant. this is me making a commitment to be the best me possible. i don't know that version of myself would necessarily fit into a size 10 denim, but i know she's confident and strong. and that's what its about. we are in a race, and in the end its only with ourselves (baz lurhman).

my bro has returned! so as promised a photo of the choco-marshmellow treat and one (since i mention him repeatedly) of the bro and i...actually i can't seem to upload (blogspot is so screwed up) the pics will try again in a bit or else tomorrow it'll have to be. and they say technology is a step forward...