all packed up

so today's the day. was up till 5 this morning packing. my suitcase weighs 25 kilos depite my best efforts to keep to the alotted weight limit. fuck it. am taking low fat tuna spread, raw almonds, granola bars and even a few green apples to help keep the munchies at bay once i'm there. i spent the morning baking two batches of cookies (double choc chip) for my cousins. in the past i would have been eating the dough as well as several cookies once they came out of the oven. but this time i had one tiny one. and it was good. and i felt no urge for more. it feels great to not feel shackled by one's appetite.

i've found for me that eating something every few hours helps me from getting ravenous, when i'm more likely to grab whatever that's in front of me. and planning what to eat is key. i think in singapore we are very fortunate cos healthy food like soupy noodles, fresh fruits and vegetables are so readily available and at such reasonable prices. i love my yong tau foo, sliced fish noodles, ban mian and fresh cut fruits.

went to the gym yesterday after four days off and did some upper body work. the knee was ok during the weekend but started hurting again yesterday. i'm gonna rest it as best i can for the next coupla weeks and then if it still hurts then i'll go get those sophisticated scans the doctor was talking about. i have been stuck in the 72s for a while now and it was a pleasant surprise to see the number 71.8 on the scale yesteday. i can't get my head round the fact that i've been working out almost everyday and have been stuck at 72, but when i take a few days off i lose weight. my body will never cease to amaze or confuse me.

so this might be my last post for a while. i might get round to posting some vacay shots or providing short updates on how its going, but its doubtful. din has said that he's gonna allow me to put on only a maximum of 2 kilos from the holiday. i'm gonna try and surprise him by maintaining or even losing a little :) .i'm looking forward to seeing my family after three years. and to the beach resort now that i've resolved the swimsuit issue. so much love to you'll and have a great week!

shakin n bakin

weight watchers' caramel sponge cake

servings: 2

cals/serving: 150

yum factor: 6.5/10

taking some time out

i've made a decision after experiencing the worst pain with regards to my knee yesterday. i've decided to rest until i see din next tuesday. four days without going to the gym.that's probably the longest i've been away since my brief week-long trip to mauritius two weeks after i first started my exercise regime. but i think my body needs time to heal. i want to keep active by not sitting on my butt for too long but it wasn't possible yesterday cos it hurt too much to stand and walk. i've gotta say i haven't been to good these past few days with icing my knee or rubbing the ointment the doctor prescribed. maybe that contributed to the state i find myself in.

i've decided to not push myself too hard to exercise at full capacity whilst my knee is not 100 per cent. i think i've been too paranoid about gaining weight if i were to slow down or stop altogether. but in the long run this would would only work against me cos my knee would never have time to recover. so yeah as i see if i have to rest for three weeks, so be it. i'd rather bite the bullet now than have to spend the rest of my life with a bad knee. hopefully its not already too late to prevent the latter.

i was just looking thru some of my fat clothes which i had previously put into a bag, which has been sitting in my room waiting to be dropped off at the salvation army. i was looking for anything that i could salvage for alteration, since i'll be going to sri lanka where its much cheaper. i have to admit that some of the stuff is so hideous that i must have been momentarily blind to have bought. really. i think when your large its such a surprise to find something that fits that you buy it based on that merit alone. whether it flatters you or is aesthetically pleasing is merely secondary or sometimes (depending how large you are) something you don't consider at all.at my biggest i was a size 18-20 and its pretty much impossible to find anything that fits in local stores, where the average size is probably a 6. so i pretty much bought anything on sale at dorothy perkins, and some of the things never saw the light of day cos i realised (thank god) in front of my mirror at home that they were better suited for my elderly aunts.i've always wondered whether the people who make clothes for bigger people thought that we had no taste. i wish there were more stores selling hip stuff for big people. but at the same time i'm not sure if i ever would have decided to lose weight if i could find things in my size more easily.its a bit contradictory i know.

yesterday i did a bit of baking. well it involved an instant mix if that counts. i had bought a weight watchers' caramel sponge cake a while back but never got round to making it till yesterday. the smell of caramel wafting thru the house was in itself sinful :) the cake itself was on the dry side but the caramel, which soaked the cake from the top as well as the inside was a winner. all in all not to bad for 150 cals a serving (which is half of the cake). i think the thing to be careful of is indulging in these too often just because they're low in calories. din calls them 'empty calories' because they don't do anything for the body, but are mostly in the form of sugar. and they're the ones that turn you into a crazy person who's looking for her next sugar fix...

hair

the picture is a tad grainy i know. and u can't quite make out the highlights. but i no longer have a 'bump' on my fringe thanks to the magic of straightening.

on other news i'm gonna be seeing ilham once a week for kick fit since i can't do any leg work with din because of my knee. so i'll see din only twice a week from now on. only six more days till i'm leeeaving on a jetplane.....

the good, the bad and the ugly

i had my body composition test done on monday. two months ago my body fat percentage was an alarming 40%.unfortunately din completely forgot to do the test when i first started, which is a bummer. but i was quite shocked(and depressed) to hear that even after working out for three months and having lost over 10kg, my fat percentage was still so high. but it might have been a blessing in disguise cos it was what ultimately changed me from being solely weight-oriented.last month the reading went down to 39%. and this month *drumroll please* its down to 37%! this boggles my mind cos last month i was totally gung ho during cardio and yet lost only 1%, whilst this month i have gone very easy on the cardio thanks to my knee and yet i'm down 2%. but my mummy taught me never to question presents, so i'll take it :) women should have an ideal body fat percentage of between 25-31. so i'm only 6% away.

it being wednesday, i'm resting and decided to go get my hair done. unfortunately my camera needs charging so i can't post a photo, but tomorrow i promise. the sri lankan in me is amazed at the bargain i found across the causeway. i got highlights , my base colour re-done, my fringe straightened and a cut and it set me back only $80 (that's like us$60). what a deal. i got exactly the same thing done in singapore (ok at the reputed reds) and it cost me close to 200 bucks!plus i fell in love with the hairdresser, except i think he would have preferred my brother :) i also bought a baju kurung or traditional malay attire. before i wore a size XL and today i was pleasantly surprised that i'm now an M. and with lotsa room to spare. the food in malaysia rocks. and i had an aunty anne's sesame pretzel (savouring the decadent taste of butter) and claypot chicken rice. and for dessert? fresh fruits! i've come to love the taste of melons and papaya. now if only i could as easily eliminate my taste for chocolate.

now to the not so good news. as i've mentioned (repeatedly) i hurt my knee bout a month ago. its still not looking too good. actually after appying the ointment the doctor gave me it did get a bit better but then i did the dumbest thing possible- a 20min intensive stairmaster session- and the pain returned soon after. yesterday i walked on the treadmill, at increasing inclines, for 30 min and today i trully am feeling it. part of me is frustrated cos it seems like its taking forever to heal. but i know that to over-exert it at this point in time could make it worse, where even walking may require crutches (touch wood!). i'm gonna ask din tomorrow if i should just lay off the cardio entirely for a few weeks and see if it gets better.

and now finally to the ugly. my cousin has decided to go to a beach resort (in sri lanka) soon after his engagement. this ought to be wonderful for the beaches there are truly gorgeous, but of course beach resort=swimsuits! so yeah i've been stressing. the main reason for my paranoia are my numerous stretchmarks, especially on my shoulders.why didn't my mother force me to mosturize when i was going thru puberty instead of beeing cool with me being a tomboy? so yeah until sleeved swimsuits are invented it lookd like its gonna be a fitted t-shirt and boy-short bottoms for me.

taking stock

five months ago i decided to change my life. for the better. i remember the sense of desperation i felt most of the time. i was turning into a person i couldn't recognise, both on the inside as well as the outside. i have to be honest. if someone had told me on the day i signed up for the gym membership that 5 months along i would be 20 kilos lighter, i probably would have walked out, believing it to be one of those get thin quick scams.but amazingly here we are.the process of de-pudging definitely the central focus of things at the moment.

i will forever be grateful for the people who got me to where i am today- definitely a much better place. my mum, who spared no expense (almost an understatement!) to see that i became healthier. anthony, the former GM at cali orchard now at novena, who shared with me his own story of incredible weight-loss and who spurred me on to take that first step. and of course the man who believed i could do it, even before i quite believed it myself, my trainer cum motivator din.

before, i was begining to feel increasingly asexual, what with my hormonal system going beserk. the weight loss is slowly addressing that. din once said that most people start working out with the intention of changing their outward appearance but once they see how drastically it can improve other aspects of their life, they keep at it even after achieving their initial goals. i totally get it. i now sleep better and have energy throughout the entire day. i'm less grumpy, for which my mum is eternally grateful. my female functions have been given a kick start. all in all not too shabby for five months.

its also freed me from two lifelong hang-ups- food and weighing myself. i'm no longer afraid to have an entire family-sized chocolate bar or a bag of doritos at home cos i know i won't devour it in a single sitting. i know that if i treat myself to a snack, its one that is gonna be incorporated into my daily calorie limit. for once i feel control of what i put into my mouth rather than the other way around. i know i can stop myself when i feel i've had enough, and its empowering.the second took a little more time. din weighs me every day i see him and i weigh myself the days i do cardio.that's five times a week. strangely the numbers don't mean nearly as much as they used to. they don't make or brake my day the way they used to. being 72kg doesn't make me ecstatic. feeling the muscles in my arms or challenging myself on my cardio sessions does. a new staff member at the gym approached me a few days ago and asked me what my goal was. i said i wanted to bring down my bady fat percentage to the healthy range and increase my muscle mass.that says it all. its no longer bout the weight but the health.

i have been extermely fortunate to have been able to take this time out to focus entirely on getting healthy. but i'm gonna have to re-join the real world pretty soon. get a job. that will be the true test. will i be able to keep moving, to eat the way i have been? or will i rivert to my old, self-destructive habbits?the eating part i think i've got down, but its the exercise that i will have to consiously make time for. well nothing worthwhile was ever easy, so i guess its a question of making a lifelong commitment to myself and my well-being.

Love Your Body

By Cindi Goodeaux
Source: http://3dogbyte.typepad.com/

Magazines
Movies
Television
Society
telling you
thin is in.

Diet pills
plastic surgery
different is sin!
All that's left is hair,
bones and skin?
You win!

But EVERY woman
should be told
her body is unique!
Her girth is gold!

Love every curve,
lump, crevice, and scar!
Let's change their thinking!
Let's reset that bar!

Forget the voices,
the leers and tears,
join the REVOLUTION
building each year!

Your body is precious,
No matter its size!
Your spirit’s what matters!
Your heart is a PRIZE!

To all the Divas,
regardless of girth,
raise your beautiful head
and
KNOW YOUR WORTH!

progress

momentous occassion for two reasons. did 15 min of cardio on the eliptical trainer, without much knee pain.

and down to 72.7kg. for those still keeping track, that's a loss of almost 18 kilos.

just got back from a late night shopping spree at mustafa with one of my cousins who's in town. pretty exhausted. but looking forward to trying some of the dark chocolate (with peppermint) that i bought. it'll have to wait to tomorrow tho, for now my bed beckons...

red, white and gay (as in happy)

as promised the pictures from the national day parade preview a week ago. i have to say that my picture does not do the firework justice. it was just so overwhelming that most of the time i was looking at it instead of taking pictures. it was my first time and i was a bit jakun.

its been one of those lazy sundays. went to see a doctor about my knee on friday. an x-ray revealed that there was no bone damage. he gave me an ointment to apply on my knee for a week, afterwhich if the pain persists i might have to go to the hospital to get more sophisticated scans. i also had my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar and bmi meassured. the first three were perfectly normal, while my bmi was 29.1, putting me in the very overweight category. in march, pre-exercise and pre-din, i would have been closer to 40, meaning morbidly obese.being "overweight" never sounded so good, and i'll take it for now.

i have to say tho that my knee still hurts. bugger. i'm hoping that one morning i wake up and magically my knee is back to normal. i'm quite sore in my arms and shoulders today after a session with din yesterday. i'm glad that i don't have to do lunges for the time being but din has been working the same muscle groups over and over so as to cause maximum tissue atrophy... or maximum pain in other words. close to the end of our session i could hardly extend my arms due to sheer pain, but din had a smirk on his face and kept making me do bicep curls. the man's a sadomasichist, and i say that with a great amount adoration (in case he's reading of course).

ate realtively healthy today. which was difficult cos my mum made fried rice and lamb curry. i restrained myself with the former and had the latter sans the gravy. self-control, rather than deprivation, seems to be the way to go.

progress pics

my brother was just looking thru some of my older pictures and was amazed at how big i used to be. so i thought i'd post two pictures of then and now so u can make your own comparisons.


then:

now:

same old same old

nothing much to report. the highlight of my weekend was watching the ndp preview.will get around to posting the pics, just not today. the fireworks stole the show, as would have been expected. screaming with the girls kinda made me think of how it was in crescent. sigh. those were some good times.

my knee is still giving me problems. was rather upset when it started aching when i was cycling. it is really getting in the way of exercise, especially cardio. i find myself missing the stairmaster. with a passion.if it doesn't get better in a couple of weeks, i'm gonna see a doctor. i was telling din how i usually keep at a machine even though my knee aches. he said to just stop as soon as i feel my knee cos it can apparently get worse. it really sucks because i have no idea what to do for cardio.

thus far tho the knee hasn't affected my progress on the weight-front. am 73.1kg today, so that's a loss of just over 17kg. the biggest difference has been that i have much more energy throughout the day. my resting heart rate is in the 30s, which means that my ticker is in excellent shape. that was main concern starting out because of my strong family history of cardiovascular disease and diabetes. i am also at a stage where i feel i could maintain what i'm doing for the rest of my life. my diet for example allows me the occasional treat (a pretzel today), whilst focussing on how much and when i eat. admitedly the no carbs at night rule took a bit of getting used to, but i've stuck with it and - as with most things in life- its got better.

on a related matter, i now weigh the lightest i've been since sec 2. that's mind boggling. even with the meal-replacement diets or the slimming pills i've never got to where i now am. sure the former were much easier ways to shed the pounds, and i never had to even set foot into a gym, but its been so worth it.cos i know that i CAN do it on my own. probably always could. and to think that just 4 kilos away the SIXTIES await. i haven't been remotely close to that since primary school.

before i get ahead of myself, there's still some work to be done..so watch this space.

p/s: much love to shazzie and az, who are in the land of oz. miss u! and to sharm thank u for the tix...made this (naturalized) citizen's day :)